To You,
Stop trying’, those were your exact words. For some reason, after everything you said, after all the ugliness you let fall onto my screen, ‘stop trying’ hit hardest. It got through.
I’ve always believed that there was nothing that was beyond repair – because if you couldn’t fix the original break – you could still make the best out of the pieces that remained. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe sometimes, you just have to leave things broken.
The last 36 hours was both character defining and revealing – for more than just me. Having your stomach pumped will do that to you. But as I laid there, sweating yet shivering, with a heart rate exceeding that of an infant – fast enough to kill you – I kept thinking to myself, ‘what do you want from this situation?’
It took hours to find the answer. It took plea’s that went unanswered, sedatives, IV drips, court dates, preemptive calls to my attorney, it took looking into the officers eyes and saying ‘I don’t know his name’ – for me to finally touch the answer that’s been eluding my grasp since last fall…
I wanted to hold on to the intimacy. I loved what it felt like on the inside of the private joke, the one to be shown your consideration, the target of your subliminal sweetness, morning greetings, to share the secret and not just its protector. But instead – in what coincided with one of my most vulnerable moments – I was cast out. A connection I’d come quickly to cherish, withdrawn, taken away, snatched from me in anger.
Maybe I wasn’t ‘easy’ enough…Maybe I was too easy, too soon. Or maybe, just maybe, you’d collected all that you wanted and all that remained wasn’t worth the hassle. ‘Stop trying…’
Loyalty is unconditional. Period. It’s not predicated on the behavior of others. Real loyalty has nothing to do with anyone but you. It is a character choice. And although some might call me foolish for the loyalty I’ve chosen to hold onto, I know it was and is the right thing to do.
I wish you nothing but the best and sincerely hope you find the happiness we all deserve. I don’t believe in burning bridges, or closing doors. So I will leave the pieces on the floor where they fell and let time do with them as it sees fit.
with Love,
Me.
“Don’t try, do or do not, there is no try.” – I know, who quotes Yoda from Star Wars after such a riveting blog post… well, I do. And when I sad I do, I mean it, I do. I’ve given up trying. I can’t stand the “keep trying, you’ll make it eventually.” I’m tired of it. I’m just going to do it or not. Now I may not do it as fast or as efficient as the other person but I will get it done. The rest can keep trying. If its on my list of things to do, its going to get done.
So with that, I will love, because that’s what I do. I will protect, because that is what I do. I will be a father, because that is what I do. I will be a man, because that is what I do. And I will be there, because I do that too.
Good people are appreciated in all phases of time: past, present and future. They miss you when you’re gone (past), they don’t know how they get through the day without your help (present) and they are always looking for more like you (future).
Nevertheless, when they’ve obstructed their own vision by closing their eyes, you can’t force them to see anything because you can blind them in the process…
Selah.
Comment by blessedbrilliant — February 11, 2010 @ 10:15 pm |